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damethecomedian

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Sorry, Lo Siento, Gomensai! [Apr. 24th, 2006|01:07 pm]
damethecomedian
[My Face |sicksick]

Because of the recent xeroxing of my LJ onto some dumbass' Myspace, (without even an apology or wanted investigation)I have locked the majority of my old, and will lock all my future posts so only freinds can see it. If you are a friend of a friend who has been reading my LJ you may make an account and email me your username and name of mutual friend. If you are unconnected to me even indirectly, then you must make an account and send me your username, age, and a paragraph stating why you wish to view my LJ. You must use proper grammer and if you are under the age of 20 you will not be granted access. My randoms are just too raw, my children. The more thorough the paragraph, the more likely you will gain access.

damenightmare@yahoo.com


upcoming journals: Random Thoughts X(a special with more randomness than ever) and the nationality of Jesus.

Later, Chao, Jane!
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RANDOM THOUGHTS IX [Apr. 21st, 2006|08:52 am]
damethecomedian
[My Face |calmcalm]

What if two black highschool drop-outs raped a white stripper?
Lisa is my favorite FlyGirl; why did Jennifer become famous?
How would population be different if sex were not satifying, just tiring?
If Bruce Banner was black, would the hulk still be incredible?
Support our troops, wear jockeys!
Can you truely be friends with someone who wants more?
How come the soulful greats don't have music videos?
If it's not House M.D., you shouldn't be watching Fox.
If someone knows they're going to die soon, is having a child immoral/unethical?
Does having athlete's foot make me a bad person?
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The Contract [Apr. 19th, 2006|09:31 am]
damethecomedian
Certain stories and events have led me to create this. “The Contract” is an agreement that a couple make before they actually decide they are each other’s “one”. This version is from a man’s point of view.

The Volume clause: There will be no yelling in the household we form. If the neighbors want a show, they better have cable. Nothing more is heard when the message is at an above normal volume. Also, if there is something you want to say, you MUST say it. No quiet, no storm.

The Warm Stove clause: Agreement to this means that if I buy pots and pans, you must use them, not daily, but at LEAST on a weekly basis. Meals must be super-sized by applying seconds, not an extra thirty-nine cents.

The Baby clause: Be it a girl, thou must always be the one to bathe and change her. My masculine eyes will never set sight on my daughter’s body.

The Selfish clause: I must have oral gratification on at LEAST every holiday including Martin Luther King’s birthday. On this day, every man, black or white, deserves to feel free at last. Please note there are twelve days of Christmas…and I may, how should I say, DoubleDip! due to celebration of Kwanza. TripleDip!, once I find my Jewish heritage.

The Anal clause: Just kidding…unless you’re going to agree to it!

Soul Signature______________________
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MySpace...not yours [Apr. 17th, 2006|09:45 am]
damethecomedian
[My Face |infuriatedinfuriated]

tsk tsk
I've been notified by..well..an anonymous person that My LJ is being transfered to someone ELSE's MySpace(as in not me...and certainly not a friend; my friends aren't stupid). Sniff, Sniff, the strong aroma of retardedness suddenly jumps into my nostrils. I obviously have the choice to make a stupid MySpace BUT that would be retarded(Gosh, I'm being negative and I don't think I'm joking this time). MySpace is the petty junior high of the internet where everyone wants to be liked by everybody...well isn't that just cute and peaceful....AND immmature as a hairless testicle! The weak self esteems of thousands(I really don't want to say millions) of kids posting "cool" pics of themselves and blogs about the party they went to last friday. Dame is not a fucking(oooo...don't use that word much) commercial. If your show aka your MySpace is shitty and lonely don't try and spice it up my LJ. Let's see....have I included enough curse words...NO...so let's continue this rant a bit. Image going into a stadium of people and asking all of them to be your friend...wouldn't you think that person is crazy or something. That is what Myspace is all about. PSUEDO-ASS-FRIENDS...empty ass people with some sort of social disparity. Is this mean...hateful...not everyone on MySpace is a dumb attention-greedy whore or a guy who works out just so he can post shirtless pics of himself...there are few things that are 100%...so what!.

BY THE WAY...you may have a difference of opinion...on this matter I don't care. Any comments against what I have just said that lack any sound reasoning or logic will be Verbally Smashed and rearranged into an example why I don't MySpace.

Fucking Morons!

(I wonder if I'll censor this later...nan!)
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RANDOM THOUGHTS VIII [Apr. 7th, 2006|08:36 am]
damethecomedian
[My Face |calmcalm]

Cell phones give children more chances to act stupid.
Text messaging should be in the Special Olympics.
Political science really isn't science; it can't be studied and reasonably understood nor can any solid laws be made about it.
The only war mankind should have is Ritz vs Cheez-it. Pepsi vs CocaCola is a losing battle for a classic.
Why is rock called heavy metal when it usually has no depth?
I'd vote for Oprah.
Stupid people are so bold on the internet; what if you could email ass-whooping? Hmm...negative correlation!
There's got to be hundreds of drinks that taste better than beer, yet getting so drunk you can no longer taste wins.
The name "weed" is negative yet people sniff it like a lovely flower. I want a hit of lotus, personally. Somebody roll up that cherry blossom! You know this is in season.
I haven't wrote a full sketch in months, ...damn chinese lit.
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www.pick-uplines.Dame II [Mar. 27th, 2006|09:51 am]
damethecomedian
[My Face |flirtyflirty]

You look so good I could sing a country song.
I'd buy an escalator to get on top of those legs.
Ooo-whee! You look like two scoops of goodness!
Damn, your ass is stronger than two viagra and a red bull.
O that deserves it's own postal code right there, and I have an express delivery!
Girl, you make me want to give up blinking.
You know, I do believe a man is never too old for breast-feeding.
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If a Teen... [Mar. 8th, 2006|02:40 pm]
damethecomedian
[My Face |boredbored]

If a teen can experiment with sex, he/she can study and become a biologist.
If a teen can create a baby, he/she can study and become a peditrician.
If a teen can experiment with marijuana, he/she can study and become a botanist or ecologist.
If a teen can experiment with cocaine, he/she can become a chemist.
If a teen can lie, he/she can become a politican
If a teen can cheat, he/she can become a lawyer.
If a teen can steal, he/she can become a CEO.
If a teen can murder, he/she could become President.
If a teen can drop out of school, he/she can't become anything.
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NIGSTORY LESSON [Mar. 1st, 2006|09:26 am]
damethecomedian
[My Face |indescribable]

I poetically speak my views,
With heart and soul just like Langston Hughes,
Apparantly it's greatly overdue,
Because I'm still wondering if you knew,
Of this negative word hate-mongers have threw at you,
Remember all the bad things your grandparents went through,
Canines, firehoses, and the black and blue,
False violence versus the strong marching true,
American Exodus!, our spirits renew,
Rosa, Martin, and Malcolm, just to name a few,
Being dictated like we can't even think,
Backdoor service and a separate sink,
Finding freedom in only the darkness of a single blink,
But that's not the beginning of the chain, just a random link,
Travel back to when Colombus made the most famous mistake,
Few boatloads later, we stretching muscles til the tendons break,
DON'T STOP PICKING, BOY!...for cotton's sake,
Can't wear rags like us, there' shirts to make,
Even after Eli Whitney created the gin,
Still horseback overseeing the sweat of our men,
Up about four in the morning, broke down around ten,
Eating overspiced weeds and chitlins out the pigpen,
Kids doing man labor while master's boys hide n' seekin',
No one EVER cared about us!, not even Honest Abe Lincoln,
Should have been called Emancipation Exclamation because he was mad when he said it!,
Five hundred years of free labor, National Deficit aside, America is indebted,
Extra, Extra, Newsflash headline, read all about it, tears and split wigs when they read it,
Don't know why, I've heard of no interest until New Years but half a century on credit!,
And theres quite a bit more, like all those dark-skinned soldiers in the Civil War,
How can it be ignored?, at the Genesis of this nation we were the core,
But some of them still think we should eat off the floor,
Nowadays, we could be the ones that own the store,
Three fifths no more, I'm a full human being,
Ah, thank you White Man, what a wonderful thing,
Star-Spangled Banner is what I should sing,
Jim Crow is dead, but wait!...so is the King,
Civil Rights made one ferociously strong move, now its just on the shelves,
Meanwhile our confused children use master's negativity amongst themselves,
Free!, but poor, mininum wage almost equal to that of a slave,
Easily fired and replaced so please don't misbehave,
In your heart, occasionally visit MLK's grave,
His solid dream'll keep you strong so your chest doesn't cave,
Once hidden core, now open in society,
Take a look outside, notice the variety,
Door' open so step out and work on your goals, image, and piety,
Everyone has some kind of opportunity, don't lie to me,
So stop all the nonsense hoe, bitch, and n-word talk,
Pull up your pants and walk away from that sinward walk,
Don't betray my word like Peter, I'll cry three times with the cock,
Today is the day you do more than stand and yell on the block,
If you still say 'WZUP, nigga" even after hearing this reasonable rhyme,
I can only reply "Unfortunately not you, please RISE up and see me some time.".
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Things you shouldn't EVER do [Feb. 22nd, 2006|08:13 pm]
damethecomedian
[My Face |calmcalm]

Use an urinal next one currently in use.
Shake a gay man's hand.
Wear sagging pants and yell in public places.
Pass up on a pretty-faced blowjob.
Tell someone of the opposite sex that you "have/got to pee!"
Use a condom twice.
Trust a caucasian president not surnamed Kennedy.
Play video games ALL day.
Say "I'm sorry" when you're 100% sure you caused no problem.
Ask someone how they are doing when you really don't care.
Work at Mervyn's.
Click on a pop-up.
Enter a man's house and look in his kitchen.
Punch a wall.
Appear on Survivor.
Stalk people.
Have your thong showing in a non-beach area.
Wear a push-up a-cup. What's to push up?
Forget to watch an episode of Boondocks.
Fight a ninja.
Knock on your neighbor's door when there's no fire.
Laugh after every sentence you speak.
Do what a customer tells you to do.
Cocaine.
Lie to someone you know on a personal level.
Put a bill in someone else's name.
Look a gork in the eye.
Pass up the chance to spectate a full pair of black pants.
Date a race you've never befriended.
Repeat things you've heard in a rap song.
Drop a cheez-it on the floor or carpet.
Pay for bottled water.
Borrow things and pretend thier yours...a.k.a. don't treat friends like your local Blockbuster.
Imitate Lil' Jon. Okay....
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DAMEDICTION(FJ) [Feb. 15th, 2006|02:40 pm]
damethecomedian
[My Face |cheerfulcheerful]

Churtle=(verb), to act passively like a turtle then reasonably agress like a cheetah, to churdle is to act with ultimate reason and stragety. Ex:This customer is about to make me churtle!=I was being nice, but now I have to properly tell this fool his place.

Churtlebeast=(noun), a beast who has mastered the art of churtling. This beast is 75% cheetah and 25% turtle.Ex:Damn, Im a churtlebeast!= My brave reason astounds myself!

Froppy=(adjective), a Dame-level lady who is Fun, Reasonable, Orally hygenic, Passionate, Playful, and knows how to fix up some Yumyums. Ex:Damn, she's pretty froppy=I want to marry that woman.

Gork=(noun),that which is extremely nosy and lacking understanding of respect;(verb), To deeply pry into someone else's business, physically or verbally. Ex:Thou art a Gork Commander=You are one of the nosiest people i've met in my life.

Shadowgork=(noun), a sneaky gork who hides his presence in your shadow until his/her nose makes it's final lunge; (verb) to be extremely nosy in an assassin-sneaky form.Ex:Man, I got shadowgorked= I didn't notice until it was too late, that my privacy was being violated.

WAYT=(command), Why Are You Talking?!Ex:WAYT!=Shut the hell up and walk away.(run, if you feel like it)
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