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damethecomedian

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RANDOM THOUGHT VII [Feb. 13th, 2006|12:57 pm]
damethecomedian
[My Face |busy]

I want to work at Hooters. I'd be a hoot! Big black owl on my crotch just waiting for a tree to perch in.
An apple is a warlord's ideal fruit, ferociously pillage it's resources and toss its raped core. I wonder if Africa is still red and delicious.
Apparently, porn is like a sport, you love to watch and cheer your team on "Shoot it!", but probably rather be playing, yourself.
I believe most people only masturbate because they have nothing better to do, no hobbies. If I didn't play video games I probably would have dehydrated myself plenty of times. Unfortunately, video games are starting to bore me...better call the Avon Lady!
Khaki pants are bad either! BestBuy really does have the best ^_^how bout that customer service. huh,huh..o yeah!
I love an asian girl with some ricecake on her.
My penis is semi-automatic? Two sips always on back-up.
Imagine if "got milk?" commercials were turned into porn ads.
I'm back suckas.....and angrier than ever.
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ORAL SEX(SJ) [Jan. 7th, 2006|03:47 pm]
damethecomedian
[My Face |irateirate]

Hmmm…oral sex. Let me say first, that the logic to be placed down now will not be accepted by everyone. Some will applaud. Some will roll their necks and say “oh, no he didn’t”. About that whole “I do you if you do me” thing…yeah. There’s a bit of difference in adventure of the job. You blowing me is the same as you kissing and sucking and…and and…excuse me I got a lil excited! I have to wipe my fore head off, as well as my foreskin. But as I was saying my, penis is completely covered by my sexy epidermis as is any other part of my body. Soooooo, if you can suck my neck…fellatio is a check. Give me a hicky then you can give me a slicky dicky. Seriously, the genitals of men and women are totally different planets. Quite frankly dear, you just don’t have my type of atmosphere done there. Mars is a safe place to visit if you take a deep breath first. Venus, on the other hand, is just too harzardous for some astromouths. Not every man is Niel Tonguestrong. Just the names of that area just sound dangerous. “On the island, I was hanging onto a clitoris when a raging vulva hit me, OMG I almost died!” Now, if you’re scared of dick, you’re just a lesbian.
You ladies always love stuffing your mouths anyway. Anytime you’re bored at home, what do you do? . . . EAT! I’m a walking hot meal hon! I almost took a boat to Africa to save some lives. Not only that, but I’m always prepared to give out seconds, and usually prefer it. Yes, yes. Dame is quite the generous one. I should open up my own “straight from the source” sperm bank. I can imagine giving out free samples in front of my business, in between the town barber and a daycare. Hey Mr. Supercuts, How much for a trim down under, mate! …then go visit all my bastard kids in daycare. Hey Bobby, is your mom still getting those collagen treatments. . . I love me some collagen. Now I’m ready to go back out and pass out a few more free samples. JUST A SIP, LADY! She gets off her knees and bolts. COPS! SECURITY! VETERAN MINUTEMEN SHE TOOK MY MERCHANDISE! Did you hear that ladies…I said merchandise.
So, not only do you have a hot meal, but some merchandise all in the same place. Who’s really doing the favor here? Feel up your tank anytime you need it. You’re never running on E. Every time I go to the pump, it cost five dollars a gallons . . . and the handle is not even warm. Seriously, you guys ever give a lady some much Dameoline . . . well Dameoline is the premium unleaded supreme, very make this product… but have you ever gave her so much you really felt like you should charge her. Uh, Uh, Ooo, damn, that’s got to be tax deductible or something. Too much action can turn into a transaction. Let’s see the breakdown, 10 dollar seminal vesicle service fee, 12 dollar vas deferens import fee, 20 dollar urethra rush delivery fee…there’s a lot of work being done here, uhhh, that’s going to come down to a total 83 dollar 52 cent unload fee. Is this going be check or charge? A masterhard deserves Mastercard. Take a freebie while you can ladies. You do me…hahaha. Skeetskeetskeet eighty dollars! “oh no he didn’t!” Yes, I did. Yes, I did!
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Hey you, yeah you with anxious eyes! F/J [Jan. 5th, 2006|12:07 pm]
damethecomedian
[My Face |curiouscurious]

So what do you think of my journal so far. I'm highly interested in what readers think. So yeah...netgorks, log on some input or hide my data from non-friend comps. "O you wouldn't!" O RLY! naw, SERIOUSLY. (waits)
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RANDOM THOUGHTS VI [Jan. 1st, 2006|11:20 am]
damethecomedian
quote of a friend at Nation's-"How do you fuck up a pancake,...he's gonna be something in life!"--------That is funny!

What bond is tighter than between father and son. To share your woman's breasts with another...wow, that's quite giving.
Geishas are froppy.
Is four tumbles into the valley worth that one successful climb?
Is it possible for an obese individual to wear baggy clothes? Did they(obese ones) invent baggy clothes?
Fast Food isn't food and it's only fast when you're the only one who wants some.
If heaven exists, how big are families up there?
Is a vast creativity related to insanity?
Glasses are sexy, pierced eyebrows aren't?
What makes a man different from beast? money? or presidency?
Why can do think of so much unrelated material in just a couple minutes?
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RANDOM THOUGHTS V [Dec. 29th, 2005|11:37 am]
damethecomedian
[My Face |naughtynaughty]

Sometimes I wake up with a doubleroll of quarters in my jammies and just feel like giving change.
Is "Bananas in Pajamas" a kids' show or a porno.
Is anything made sperm flavor?(Alright, I'll admit that was quite nasty!)
Why is there a twenty dollar bill and no twenty cent piece, a twenty-five cent piece and no twenty-five dollar bill?
What's manlier than a shoulder tackle?
Grey pants are almost as good as black pants?
Is spermicide when she chokes on it?
Pubic hair is the barbed wire of your private property. Too much will twhart even the most daring trespasser!
If God doesn't exist, who invented sex? You can just make that stuff up. Vagina could have been an acidic place. I better not hear of any atheists having sex! Thou shalt not reproduce!
You either have to be caucasian or seventeen to shop at Old Navy.
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BANKAI! [Dec. 26th, 2005|06:37 pm]
damethecomedian
[My Face |contemplativecontemplative]

What is bankai? Bankai means, purely translated, second release(ban=second kai=release). But what it is exactly is a higher level achievement in mind, body, soul. Bankai is more than enlightenment, it is a great change in the individual, not just his/her understanding. One can not just one day say, I’m going to do this…BANKAI! No, bankai takes time, practice, and concentration for such a great metamorphosis. But don’t be mistaken by my word choice. A caterpillar does not achieve bankai when it becomes a butterfly. This transformation is not an achievement, just part of its natural cycle which takes time but not practice and concentration. Ban-kai. Not something every individual will achieve and maybe some feel there plan outright is no bankai for them. They are at their limit of capability of mind, body, and soul. They can learn no more, cannot become stronger, and cannot ascend in any nontangible way. Doing the previous three things is not a whim or accident. This is Bankai!
I’ve been told by a few people at my workplace I’m coldhearted(my chest is usually warm though). One individual told me that I refuse to let anyone in. I talk if I feel like talking and don’t if I don’t feel like it. This is true and I really don’t see anything wrong with it. I’m not getting paid enough to act happy. Another statement this person said was that I think “Dame is going to take care of Dame, because no one else can like Dame”. Of all the statements in the conversation I found this one the most interesting. Who else can take care of Dame? Any problems I face are either a consequence of my choices or inevitable walls I must climb. Don’t people deal with their own problems? Not every one needs a psychologist or necessarily must discuss ordeals with a friend. Perhaps, I don’t even have any misadventures to speak of. Or maybe I’m just tired, being Dame takes a lot of energy!
Truth be told, I don’t like small talk. I’m too big for it. I don’t care for current events or the weather. Aside from school/work-related subject matter, movies are the only thing I’ll jabber about and not think WAIT!(Why am I talking?). I don’t really even like saying “hi” that much either, especially when just passing by. If I have a decent affinity for you I’ll have some clever/humorous greeting for you every time I see you but if I’m indifferent to your existence, I simply won’t acknowledge it. I don’t dislike, but I don’t like you. Not liked until proven liked!
I’m nice and generous guy to my friends and even strangers but if you’re in between maybe I’m not, I guess. I don’t know. If there is any change to be made it can only be called one thing……BANKAI!
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The Perfect Woman for Dame...Hmmmm, better than a muffin! [Dec. 24th, 2005|10:28 am]
damethecomedian
[My Face |complacentcomplacent]

Ah yes, I’m rolling up my sleeves before I write this one. Roll, roll, cuff, cuff. Begin! What flavor of woman could be more refreshing than a cool chocolate fudge, hotter than a microwaved apple cinnamon, and more satisfying than a perfectly brown-sugared banana nut? Certain organs of mine stir up just imagining such an entity.
First off, Let there be FUNNY! There has been so many wannabes who would just sit in front of me while I talk and laugh and be in awe. I understand I am not average in way or form and am considered very shocking to majority…cut that, ALL people, but I’m not going to spend my time entertaining a breathing wall. If I’m really that sexy, give me a moan or two at least to let me not you’re there. Just kidding, but seriously Dame MUST HAVE FUNNY. Dame smash puny girls who aren’t funny. Me find funny girl and show her why me called incredible. Straight Gamma-bomb that ass.
Secondly, Let there be REASON. Dame does not argue and should never fill like yelling at a woman he loves. Dame communicates. Is there difference in opinion or misunderstanding, talk more, not louder and with negative emotion. Short fuses are completely unacceptable. No uni-bombers in my house. Respect is a sub-category of REASON. Respect of me and herself. Another sub-category of REASON is flexibility. It’s never at any point and time going to be completely your way. Dame isn’t a follower, not even of a nice ass.
Thirdly, Let there be ORAL. I love a girl with a nice smile. What…you thought what…ooo, you so naughty. Truth be it to the core of my soul there is a strong momentary enlightenment when I view a crest-kid raised right(colgate is cool too, I use biotene personally). The smile is even greater the laugh. A short pause while have sparkling flashbacks …………………………………… ………………….excellent molars.
Fourth, Let there be PASSION. I believe I am one of the most passionate creature that have ever walked the earth. When I say PASSION, do not be blinded the simplicity of sex of even deep love. I mean PASSION for all that which related to me. I don’t just play a game. I AM THE GAME. I don’t draw a picture. My hand emits an image. I don’t tell you I’m your friend. I show you I’m your friend. The same with telling someone I don’t like them. The message is always strong. I don’t talk or act with weakness. A beastly PASSION is even more important than being FUNNY. This alone could activate my legacy.
Fifth, Let there be PLAY. I’m well known for being quite a daring and mischievous male…if man at all. I love a good PLAY, indeed. A little unnecessary “excuse me” push out the way, maybe a random ass pinch there, or just some empty clowning. If you’re not FUNNY…just be FUN. I like to keep most of my play secret so that’s all I’ll say about that. I’ll be damn if the Indians steal another books from me.
Lastly, Let there be YUMYUMS. A girl got to be able make me breakfast sometimes. I scramble your eggs sunny side up and down at least four nights a week, the least you could do is make me some Sunday morning. A couple homemade muffins may not get you far in life but they will get you far in Dame…or would that lead to me getting far in you. Ahh, same thing. Some degree of culinary mastery is necessary. BE A WOMAN! and I'll BE A MAN!

So there you have it folks FUNNY, REASON, ORAL, PASSION, PLAY, YUMYUMS, the six gates of Dame.
Acronym=froppy
Dame likes his women froppy.
Goddamn that girl is froppy!
O, you made me muffins and bought me a xbox360, how froppy of you.

Good Word(updates Damediction)

Please note some things were not singled out due to being a sub-category of REASON.
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WAYT?, Gork! [Dec. 24th, 2005|10:23 am]
damethecomedian
[My Face |apatheticapathetic]

SERIOUSLY, Why are you talking? There is an epidemic of people not knowing how to mind their own damn business. If you don’t have any business, that’s okay, just don’t try to supervise mine. A few days ago, I was in the breakroom writing down this site for a friend and a new-hire shadow-gorked me. A shadow-gork is S-class gorking, folks. He steps unsensed from my shadow, looks at the paper I’m writing on and says...GET THIS…he says, ”What’s that?” OMCS!(oh my common sense), Majority of the time people write things done, its personal stuff…HENCE the nonverbal action. Now you know you got gorked bad when you tell someone about it and use words like “hence”. That is “smartass” English. When I write my livejournal, you peeps can gork because it’s LIVE!. Now the tree I wasn’t writing that note on in the breakroom…that was dead. So that right there is a deadjournal. Don’t be disrespectful, let it rest in peace. Anyway, my reaction is a vague answer which included the words “some” and “thing”. I swear if you ask me one more intrusive thing I will LET YOU KNOW SOMETHING! And truste me, you don’t want SOME of this THING. Maybe I should have answered his question and added my blood pressure and current heartrate which at that time was about 60 countergorks per minute. Wouldn’t added my spermcount if I knew, then again he could have been gay and wanted proof. What a perfectly executed shadowgork…ninja close in, detective glare, and a nosy neighbor question. Dun-da-duh…GORKALITY, flawless.
Unfornately the extreme gorkness continued at a later date…did I say date, like on the calendar just to clear things up. But when a cat randomly asks questions like “How old are you” you’d swear it was a date. How do you just get hired somewhere and start interviewing people. I couldn’t hold back my AG(anti-gork) face. This counter that face…”I’m just trying to spur up conversation”. Did he just say spur? WOW, I think he did. There is a new gork commander. The previous undocumented titles of certain person are Crazy Eyez(he is able to gork four laptop when one cock-eyed glance, don’t underestimate him with tinted screens), Crazy Legs(he has the ability to cinnamon twist his legs around for literally hours gorking all lifeforms and stuff animals), Crazy Mouth(has the mutant ability of telling groups of people his meaningless life EVERYDAY!), and Crazy Hands(he is gifted with the ability to ignore the ownership of property and touch as he sees fit). Now, new to the gork squad, Crazy Gay. So Crazy Gay he not only shook my hand when finally introducing himself after at least a score(twenty, sorry anger makes me verbose…uh I mean wordy) of gorks, but when he was leaving. I went along with his first gorkshake, without making eye contact of course. NEVER look a gork in the eye. Such an act will be taken as friendship. Looking a purebred gork in the eyes will trap you in dimension of which you can only be freed of through violence. Don’t start a Gork War. The second gorkshake…HA, I’m an AG general. You wanna battle, BRING IT ON! I will smite thee down with the coldest AG defense. My AG at that time you wonder…”What’s up with you and handshakes, bud?”. His reply…”I’m just friendly, fine!, be that way” Yeah, and you be that Crazy Gay. Even when all five gorks combine to form Gorktron, the legendary Dame of Reason will never be defeated. Damn Gorks!
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FISH N' BITCHES....Hold the chips!(EJ) [Dec. 21st, 2005|09:33 am]
damethecomedian
[My Face |disappointeddisappointed]

NOTE(Disclaimer): One of my two best friends is Korean
Tsk, Tsk!. I reiterate. TSK,TSK! Dec 18th 2005, it’s a Sunday…but not just any Sunday, it’s a “hurry up and get out” Sunday. Yeah. Let’s see I start my day off by getting up at 3am just to walk in the pouring rain to a workplace where there just has to be someone going “OMG, you WALKED in the rain?” Actually, I have a bladder problem, but thanks for telling everyone. If had a problem with walking in the rain 1) I wouldn’t have did it 2)If I was mad/sad about why would I want you ranting about my maddening/saddening situation. WAYT!!!!! Then as usual I have to sign(scan and change all price signs) of the whole men’s department by myself …why…because the manager knows I’m able(isn’t that nice) so she just takes the other person to another department. Three hours of papercut-cautious signing leading into a normal day of me sexually harassing all the young married workers and telling customers I’m charging them a fifty cent bagging fee.
At 1pm, it is time to take my leave and have lunch with my friend Kuroshin on his 45min lunchbreak. Why 45min you say, I dunno. The day continues in the form--Taco Bell?…not in the mood for sour cream, McDonalds?…don’t feel like taunting death, Subway?…nan their footlongs make me jealous, wtf Fish n’ Chips? ok. But it turned out…NOT ok. I’m not too hungry(but I’m a beast so I can always eat and yet remain in top tier sexiness…must be the riboflavin) so I order some 2.75 cheese-sticks and 2.30 mushrooms, which for some reason I thought they would be sliced, cheesed, and breaded. I got a third of what a wanted a stick…shish-ka-mushroom.
While we were eating, I played the second half of an episode of anime on my laptop. I reiterate. Second half of an episode…meaning less than fifteen minutes. We finish eating in 10-12 minutes and while my friend is releasing his aftermeal grunts the Korean woman who helped us YOINKS, notice the emphasis people, the ketchup and tartar bottle off our table then says thank you. We’re both in a state of wow, feel a little gorked even. About five seconds later she comes back and takes our trays. Kuroshin says “At least she redeemed herself”. I reply, ”No, she just wants the table.”. Now thirty whole seconds after our last bites the woman comes out and asks if we were done eating. Actually(I love my actuallys), I still had bit of ruff greasy mushroom in my molar I was chewing. I didn’t say that. I told her we were leaving in a minute. Don’t know what a minute on Kim Jong Il’s watch is but on in America a minute is a collection…COLLECTION(as in all together, not counting interruptions) of sixty seconds. Less than ten seconds later, she comes back with her daughter who says the same thing and tells us there are people(customers, you know…like us) waiting. I reiterate. Why do I have to reiterate? I say “Yeah, we’re leaving soon” See, they messed up. Before, it was a minute, now I’m saying soon. Soon is so undefined. The daughter gets defensive and says “I’m just letting you know”. I’m thinking I just let her know what she’s really doing, pissing off a regular who usually pays over ten bucks for one meal. Bad move Korea! Black Knight to D4. What’s on D4?…McDonald’s. Lost another one to the Big Mac. Less than ten seconds AGAIN the woman comes out talking. I don’t even think I let her finish when I calmly said, “Did you think I was kidding? I said we’re leaving in a minute”(Back to a defined minute, don’t overgork me bitch!). She then points to my plug in her wall and says the fragment “You didn’t..ahhh” I say calmly once again “I’ve asked before and you never have a problem with it. You’re just complaining now because you want the table.” Once again Korea is defeated. Black Man-5, Home team Korea-0. My friend says something to her about the fact that we bought a meal and a couple seconds later he got mad and said, “Let’s go”. What a “hurry up and get out” Sunday. Hmm better than the morning paper.
You eat, you go. So there you go, I had no chips but got some bitches free of charge. And I was going to let her daughter update my questlog. Damn Koreans!
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Request Line(F/J) [Dec. 18th, 2005|09:26 am]
damethecomedian
yep...folks. I think I might start taking requests on subject matter I should educate you all on. Anonymous requests are fine.

EJquickie-A mexican called me "brotha" at work. Yeah, uh...no relation.

topics coming soon....obesity, slang, oral sex, and a selection of sequels.
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